Before I received EMDR therapy, I was a “functioning depression” person. I appeared fine outside. I went to work, got my work done, and was a responsible and productive citizen of the society. Inside, I felt broken, disconnected, alone, and primarily depressed and isolated. I felt like I was floating through my life without belonging. Every day, I woke up feeling “heavy” inside and had to “drag my feet” to work.
I often described that I was the worst client ever before EMDR therapy. I saw at least eight therapists in my adult life. However, none of them lasted more than five sessions. Most of the time, I felt very disconnected from my therapists, and I found them unable to understand my experiences, and they weren’t able to offer anything to give me some relief. What’s worse was that I knew everything they said, but none of those understandings made me feel better or changed how I felt inside.
I continued to struggle until I heard about EMDR therapy. I remembered seeing it on the video from a presentation. The presenter showed the client before EMDR therapy and after EMDR therapy. I was shocked to see the difference in the client’s presentation, so I tried it.
I worked with three EMDRIA-certified therapists and all failed experiences before landing at the last one. The truth was, I continued to struggle with the same issue as before, unable to connect with the therapists and didn’t feel they were able to offer me any relief until my last EMDR therapist.
I felt connected with this clinician and could trust him from the beginning. There was something about his expression and understanding of my suffering, but he also didn’t buy into my “no one understands me” bullshit and somehow got through my defense.
I was exhausted at the end of every session. I remember driving home feeling as if I had run three marathons. Usually, I went home, ate really good food, drank a lot of water, and just passed out for the rest of the day. Then, I woke up and started journaling my EMDR Reprocessing experiences and “what came up” during the reprocessing.
Gradually, I started to notice some changes. First, I realized the issues that used to bother me a lot didn’t bother me anymore. I used to feel very anxious when I sat in a meeting with people I wasn’t familiar with. After a few sessions of EMDR Bilateral Stimulation to reprocess my trauma experiences, I noticed I was very calm in the meetings. I also noticed my “dragging my feet” and ‘heavy” feelings were gone. I noticed the “heavy” experiences in my body were “desensitized” quite a bit.
Second, I noticed some new thoughts coming through. I was journaling as usual after one of the sessions and noticed thoughts about “belonging” coming through. I thought, “Hmm, what does belonging mean? It means ownership, such as something belonging to me or someone belonging to me.” Me? I am a very independent and self-sufficient person can’t be owned by anyone! Then, I realized that I wanted to have a connection with others but not belong to them.
That prompted me to start taking action to create connections with people whom I thought might be interesting to connect with.
As I looked back on my EMDR therapy experiences, I felt the treatment have profound impact on me. I no longer carried a “heavy” feeling inside my nervous system. What I think and how I feel are synchronized. Before EMDR therapy, I thought one way, but my brain couldn’t convince me to feel the same way. Without feeling the heavy somatic sensations, I live at ease and have peaceful experiences.
P.S. Notes from the Anonymous Client # 0
By now, I hope you have figured out this anonymous client is me, Dr. Grace Chen. Similar to a lot of my clients, I carried a lot of traumatic experiences, childhood trauma, attachment injuries, being an immigrant, discrimination, and microaggression.
To say EMDR changed my professional and personal life was an understatement. EMDR transformed me. For me, the difference between transformation and change lies in permanence. I can change into certain ways but fall back to the original form. Once I am transformed, I can’t return to how I used to be. When I thought about how many years I lived in a constant “dread,” I was always in awe of how EMDR transformed me.
I am sharing this experience because I want all my clients to know that I have my share of understanding of how EMDR works. After all, I experienced it personally. I went through the treatment, and I experienced the results. It was a difficult process. First, I couldn’t connect to the clinicians to trust the process. Even though those clinicians were all certified in Phases 1 and 2, I didn’t feel they truly understood me to feel safe enough to move to Phases 3 and 4. Once I could find a clinician with whom I could trust and connect, I could move into the desensitization and reprocessing phases. Then, it was another layer of difficulty because my entire nervous system was activated during bilateral stimulation. I spent a lot of time reflecting on my experiences to have a new belief about myself.
However, it was all worth it because I live a life with ease and joy. I hope you will try it, knowing it could be difficult initially but worthwhile in the end.
