No matter what’s the reason we lie, the bottom line is: we lie to get out of trouble or to protect someone.
Children, without full cognitive, emotional, and brain development, growing up the chaotic household might find the whole chaos incomprehensible and as a result, growing up believing turmoil and uncertainty is the norm of life.
To prevent yourself from getting overwhelmed, the most crucial step is to take control instead of being in control. In another word, you have to either prevent flooding from happening or to intervene when the overwhelming feelings already arrived as soon as you can.
Equal partnership is vital for a healthy relationship. However, what does equal mean to you when it comes to the relationship? Do you have to divide every responsibility to 50%? Alternatively, do you see the equality as an overall assessment of your “give and take” balance?
“Your life isn’t on hold until your dreams come true. You are still alive right now. The action is here, right now.” ~ Elizabeth Gilbert
Maybe, we should start to learn to pay more attention to how our partners receive love and learn to give the love our partners want to be loved. In the meantime, we also learn to ask or teach our partner how we want to be loved.
When we ask for the support from our significant other, especially when it relates to our partners’ behaviors, we want to be as specific as his/her behaviors as possible to avoid it to become a personal attack and so that our partners can understand how we feel.
crucial questions to maintain “I am OK and You are OK”:
What is the current situation? Be matter of the fact.
2. What are your feelings about the situation? Not your judgment of the people involved but your emotions.
3. What’re your preferences of the solution if any? Why does that solution make sense to you based on the situation?
4. What are you needs to be fulfilled in the situation?
Do you feel regularly lock into a specific role and still unable to get out of it?
If the answer is yes, please seek professional help. You deserve to live a satisfied and fulfilled life, and you do not need to figure this out alone.
We all play victims, persecutors, and/or rescuers, in our daily life. The goal of any of us is not to lock into any of the roles ALL THE TIME and to maintain an “I am OK. You are OK” relationship in different relationships. When we unconsciously play the same role over and over again in our daily lives in the interpersonal relationships, especially in the meaningful relationships, we lose the flexibility of the interpersonal relationships. In the critical relationship such as couple relationship, that’s when a person starts to accumulate resentment and dissatisfaction towards the partner.
I am Dr. Grace Chen, a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist.
Heal Trauma, Change Pattern, Find Purpose and Fulfillment, Transform Life Path & Relationship
Copyright © 2024 Dr Grace Chen LMFT | All rights reserved.
