What we don’t often think about is the reaction from “the innocent bystander” also have a significant impact on the victims. These reactions include but not limited to: doubt, questions, and implications that the victims “ask for it” and no reaction.
Who is the actual troublemaker? It is the perpetrator who is the troublemaker but why are we telling the victims that they bring the trouble to everyone if they make the report?
1. Being vulnerable doesn’t mean you are weak. It says you are strong enough to show your true self.
2. Being vulnerable allow you to transform your shame and helplessness into compassion and action.
when you can face the shame, leave the judgment, face your sadness instead of anger, and allow yourself to be vulnerable about your needs, you can transform yourself from helpless and hopeless to compassion towards yourself and others.
Your disappointment, shame, guilt, or helplessness about your behavior is not who you are. That’s how you judge yourself. You are bigger than this judgment.
When the other people’s judgment on us becomes how we judge ourselves and when that becomes our standards to evaluate ourselves, we are running into the danger to feel disappointment, anger, guilt, and shame about ourselves and these feelings often leads to helplessness and hopelessness.
1. To be able to see the truth about other people, you have to be able to face the truth about yourself.
2. Alcohol, party, drugs, etc. are just our ways to avoid seeing others and ourselves.
3. To face the truth about other people, you have to be willing to face the hurt and anger in you.
4. Anger comes after hurt even though anger is easier to express. Underlying every angry moment is a hurtful moment we suffered.
5. Anger is powerful, and that’s why it is easier to express. The ability to face the hurt that underlying the anger is the true power within you that no one will ever be able to take away.
To see the truth about other people, we have to be able to face the truth about ourselves. When we are able to face what we don’t want to see in the other people, we are also able to face the part of ourselves where we want to deny.
This exercise might elicit different feelings that “feels like” hard to tolerate. If it brings up a lot of emotions that are hard to endure, talk to a friend or seek professional help. You might be on the verge to reconcile a tough memory or traumatic event. Don’t bury it away. On the other side of the fear is your courageous inner strength that is waiting for you to dig out.
There is no right or wrong for the way you want people to see you. However, it is when maintaining these images becomes the criteria for your decision making about your behaviors and to the point that controls your life that we lose the sight of our true self.
I am Dr. Grace Chen, a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist.
Heal Trauma, Change Pattern, Find Purpose and Fulfillment, Transform Life Path & Relationship
Copyright © 2024 Dr Grace Chen LMFT | All rights reserved.
