Gottman couple’s therapy always starts with the couple’s history intake and then offering my take after the assessment. On the way home, I thought about my opening line if I had both of them sitting in front of me. Here it goes….
To Carl and Lynette, I hope you know your heart is big enough to hold both experiences. You don’t need to compete with each other. The first step for reconciliation is to accept that both of you are right and your experiences were valid. The main issue wasn’t about whose right because there were at least three truth in your story, Polly/Carl’s truth, Lynette’s truth and your relationship’s truth.
To Carl, I am delighted that you are “finally” feeling a true sense of who you are. The experience of being truly in the body must be incredible. The courage to take the steps to become who you are is admirable. I genuinely respect the courage. From the pieces of information played out by Polly, I could see the impact of your past, especially your father, on your mental health. To see Polly in the inpatient treatment and her struggle to live was gut-wrenching and sad. In the meantime, I am unsure if you are aware that, in some ways, you treated Lynette similarly to your father treated Polly and your mother. It was not you but how you perceived what man was like and you copied those behaviors without aware of it. Your best friend reminded you of that. While celebrating your new identity and journey, you didn’t have room to see Lynette’s experiences. While healing through your past trauma to find your new identity, you have been too busy to notice the unconditional support from Lynette and might have taken her for granted.
To Lynette, I am sad to feel your powerlessness. You could not be part of Polly/Carl’s decision-making process, but accept his decision. It must be tough to have no choice but to accept the outcome. I feel the aloneness and unfairness in you. You have been so supportive to Polly/Carl when they struggled to cope with mental illness and when their mom was struggling with their father’s abuse and addiction. When you got angry at Carl outside the hospital after your cancer treatment appointment, you were upset because you felt Carl was making everything about him when you were the one who was going through something scary. Instead of telling him your fear, you fought with him. While busy supporting Polly/Carl, you made your needs invisible. Instead of asking for support and understanding, you lashed out your anger and frustration.
Self-regulation is Key
As a clinician, I often felt tremendous sadness when I heard the couples communicate with “you…..” Because I listened to the underlying message that wasn’t spoken. To hold the space for both people, one has to be able to self-regulate during conflicts. When I can’t regulate myself during the conflict, I tend to say what I don’t mean and don’t say what I meant. That’s because my brain doesn’t respond to my experience but reacts to the situation. This was seen in different areas of the play. For example, after Lynette’s doctor’s appointment for her cancer diagnosis, the couple got into a big fight. Instead of admitting both of their fear, Carl kept talking“if you are going to get cancer, this is the cancer you want.” Lynette was upset about Carl’s shoes being bright when underlying was the fear of cancer shining in front of her.
As an audience and a marriage and family therapist, that’s usually when I had to self-regulate my sadness. This couple could have been supporting each other’s fear of losing Lynette’s life to cancer. Instead, they were fighting against each other.
Self-regulation sounds simple but challenging. From limited information in the play, I could see Polly/Carl’s father was abusive with addiction issues. Polly suffered PTSD reactions due to family violence. Lynette’s developmental experiences information was even more limited other than her growing up in an Italian family, and her needs and sexuality were dismissed often. I could see their attachment experiences played out in the relationship but also hard to self-regulate in the conflicts because of their attachment experiences during the developmental process.
No matter which school of couple’s therapy I subscribed to, the main thing was to assist them in understanding each other. To do so, my first step would be assisting them to accept there was more than one truth and a person’s heart is big enough to hold more than one truth. With this acceptance, we will work on self-regulation during the conflict to find compassion for self and other. It is only then, one can truly feel safe to communicate one’s vulnerability and to hold the space to listen to the partner’s experience.
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