Multiple Truth (Part II)
(Multiple Truth Part I) Gottman couple’s therapy always starts with the couple’s history intake and then offering my take after the assessment. On the way
March 5, 2024
(Multiple Truth Part I) Gottman couple’s therapy always starts with the couple’s history intake and then offering my take after the assessment. On the way
Do I communicate my “expectation” of what’s fair clearly? How do I know my expectation/standard of fairness is the same as my partner or anyone else’s standard?
crucial questions to maintain “I am OK and You are OK”:
What is the current situation? Be matter of the fact.
2. What are your feelings about the situation? Not your judgment of the people involved but your emotions.
3. What’re your preferences of the solution if any? Why does that solution make sense to you based on the situation?
4. What are you needs to be fulfilled in the situation?
Do you feel regularly lock into a specific role and still unable to get out of it?
If the answer is yes, please seek professional help. You deserve to live a satisfied and fulfilled life, and you do not need to figure this out alone.
We all play victims, persecutors, and/or rescuers, in our daily life. The goal of any of us is not to lock into any of the roles ALL THE TIME and to maintain an “I am OK. You are OK” relationship in different relationships. When we unconsciously play the same role over and over again in our daily lives in the interpersonal relationships, especially in the meaningful relationships, we lose the flexibility of the interpersonal relationships. In the critical relationship such as couple relationship, that’s when a person starts to accumulate resentment and dissatisfaction towards the partner.
Reason # 1: The old pattern used to be a survival strategy or to serve some purpose.
Reason # 2: Change is too scary and unknown.
This theory tremendously helpful to understand the couples’ relationship history. It helps to see how the couples transit from one stage to another and whether they made the transition successfully. If not, it helps me and the couple to evaluate how have they tried to cope with the issues successfully or destructively. Even in the “complicated situation” such as divorce or blended family, the theory also helps me and the couple to see what are the needs for them to cope with being different stages in their relationship.
“Later, because of their daughters. Dan and Grace had tried hard to make their marriage work……Dan deeply loved his daughters. Grace never questions his devotion to them, but she seriously doubted he was still in love with her.”~ Grace Sherman, “16 Lighthouse Road”
Even when you have conflicts with your spouse, you still need to invest time with your children. Don’t give up your relationship with your children just because you don’t think you can “win” the argument with your spouse on the parenting issues. When your children respect you and have a good relationship with you, it might not change your couple relationship but certainly, benefit your co-parenting relationship, in the long run, no matter you stay together or not.
You cannot take it too personally. You have to take it personal enough to care. However, you can’t take it too personally that all you do is to react to your spouse with emotional retaliation.
I am Dr. Grace Chen, a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist.
Heal Trauma, Change Pattern, Find Purpose and Fulfillment, Transform Life Path & Relationship
Copyright © 2024 Dr Grace Chen LMFT | All rights reserved.