New Year, New Boundary (Part 2)


boundary(Read New Year, New Boundary Part I first)
Underlying these emotions are needs that are not fulfilled. Those needs are not fulfilled because we don’t define the boundary, and we ended up building the resentment.
You don’t have to give up your virtue or your value. However, you need to gain the ability to protect your boundary. I am asking you to define your boundary so that people can respect how you want to be treated.

You can kindly decline the request to do someone’s job.
You can be understanding and considerate, but it doesn’t mean you have to pick up someone’s work.
You can ask your spouse to help you with your needs and accept it with understanding when your spouse provide reasons he/she cannot do it in the timeframe you would like it to happen. Then, you negotiate when and how your needs to be fulfilled.

So, instead of setting a new year resolution, I invite you to re-define your boundaries that will help you grow into the person you want to be in 2018.

First, ask yourself if you have built in any resentment this year with any specific area in your life, such as relationship, work, friendship, etc.

Second, list the reasons you are resentful in this area of your life.

Third, ask yourself, how would you like to be treated instead?

Fourth, ask yourself what stop you from asking your needs and desire. Are there any specific values that you hold so closely to your heart that contradict with your needs and desire?

Fifth, in the year of 2018, how can you redefine your boundary by balancing your values and your desire?

Example 1:

I thought that I was responsible, but I ended up being the one who did all the work. Then, by doing all the work, everyone has the right to criticize me.

Step1: I am resenting my work.
Step 2: I resent the fact that I am doing all the work but getting all the criticism.
Step 3: I would like to be appreciated for the work I have done.
I would like my co-workers to take their responsibilities to meet the deadlines.
I would like to go home on time because I have done my work.
Step4: I believe “teamwork” is very important and I often pick up other people’s job when they can’t meet the deadline. I also believe that it is important to help out each other!
Step 5: Boundary re-defined
I will only help other people’s work when they have an urgent situation.
I will only provide support and help only when I know it is during the work hours. I will only work overtime only when it is my job requirement.
I will fill me after work hours with the activities I want to do.
I will allow myself to ask help when I need to, especially from the people I have done a favor for.
I will nicely point out my contribution to the work, especially when I believe I go above and beyond.

Example 2: Spouse 1

Spouse 1: I did everything in the house to make your life easier, and you did nothing for me!
Spouse 2: I won’t be mad or upset if you didn’t do those things for me. If you don’t want to do it, just let me know.
Spouse 1: That’s not the point, what have you done for me?
Spouse 2: All you have to do is just ask!

Step 1: I am resenting my spouse.
Step 2: I resent that I put in more efforts for my spouse, but my spouse didn’t do the same for me.
Step 3: I would like the appreciation for the work I do.
I would like my spouse to help me with my needs and desires.
Step4: I believe in consideration and thoughtfulness for the needs of my spouse is the way to show my love.
I will let my spouse know my needs and desires clearly and ask my spouse to pay attention to these areas.
I will only do things for my spouse when I am not violating my needs and desires.

So, what would be your new boundary for the year of 2018 to grow to help you to live a much-fulfilled life?

After all, do you want to bring your resentment from 2017 to 2018?

I encourage you to take an inventory of your new year resolutions and ask yourself: what is the fundamental boundary regulation I want to set up for the year of 2018?  If you have a difficult time to figure it out, it is a good time to ask for some help via professionals. Let’s make 2018 a year with fulfillment and happiness (without resentment)!

P.S. Watch this Video about Boundary, Empathy, and Compassion to understand more about the connection of your boundary and virtue.


8 Responses

  1. I am now not certain the place you are getting your information, however good topic. I must spend some time learning more or working out more. Thank you for great info I used to be on the lookout for this info for my mission.

    1. HI, Alex:
      My information are from different sources:
      1. The idea started from my review of my clients’ issues this year.
      2. The suggestions to help you evaluate yourself coming from my clinical experiences, which are the combination of the theories, trainings, research outcomes and my experiences working with the clients, to summarize them into this article.

  2. Thank you, I have just been searching for information about this topic for a long time and yours is the best I have found out so far. However, what concerning the bottom line? Are you certain concerning the supply?

    1. HI, Alex:
      Thank you for the comments. The “bottom line” in my article means what’s your boundary. Everyone has his/her own definition. Some people can tolerate or accept certain behaviors better than the other. Everyone’s value is also different. Let me give you an example about my money. I grew up in a family where we save the money first and calculated how much we can spend. So, for me, when someone ask me for money, I always consider the money is gone. If that person give the money back, I consider it lucky. However, if that person doesn’t say anything about it, I would also distant myself from that person. This takes me a while to learn. Even though I don’t care about the money but I do care about the boundary. When this person borrows the money from me and just “pretend” it never happened, I feel violated. However, my father, on the other hand, he can continue to be friend with this person.

      As to your 2nd question, can you elaborate? I am not sure I fully understand to answer that.

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