Children, without full cognitive, emotional, and brain development, growing up the chaotic household might find the whole chaos incomprehensible and as a result, growing up believing turmoil and uncertainty is the norm of life.
“Your life isn’t on hold until your dreams come true. You are still alive right now. The action is here, right now.” ~ Elizabeth Gilbert
If you didn’t have an adult to provide the boundary of safety to allow you to experience change as a child, find a friend or a therapist to be that adult figure for you. You do not need to do it alone. Let your therapist or your friend help you figure out the boundary between safety and danger. Let this person help you to balance the feeling of anxiety and excitement for change. Let this person accompany you to experience those unfamiliar feelings or unknown territories.
Reason # 1: The old pattern used to be a survival strategy or to serve some purpose.
Reason # 2: Change is too scary and unknown.
We all know that personality is generally pretty stable even though the recent studies have shown that personality does change over time for the better (but a slow and gradual process). One of the main reasons the personality change happens when a person chooses to do so to live a meaningful and successful life. So, if no choice is made and no action is taken, a person’s personality can stay the same or change slow and gradually throughout the years.
So, the bottom line is: if you want the change, you are the one who has to make up your mind and to take action.
Everyone, including myself, spends a lot of time worrying, planning, and thinking about the future from our experiences in the past. When it comes to the interaction with the human beings, it is all about now.
Our first step is to help her feel safe when she is in school or at home, especially when she is at the place where the perpetrator is around. Then, we will have to talk about what’s her next step. No matter she decided to press charges or not, there is always something a counselor can help other than “moving on.” Many victims cannot take the stand to file for the legal actions because we don’t make them believe that we believe their stories and we will be with them along the way. The process of figuring out what she wants to do can take a while already. When the client feels that he/she is locked into a “yer or no” situation, that’s they often feel trapped.
What we don’t often think about is the reaction from “the innocent bystander” also have a significant impact on the victims. These reactions include but not limited to: doubt, questions, and implications that the victims “ask for it” and no reaction.
Who is the actual troublemaker? It is the perpetrator who is the troublemaker but why are we telling the victims that they bring the trouble to everyone if they make the report?
1. Being vulnerable doesn’t mean you are weak. It says you are strong enough to show your true self.
2. Being vulnerable allow you to transform your shame and helplessness into compassion and action.
I am Dr. Grace Chen, a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist.
Heal Trauma, Change Pattern, Find Purpose and Fulfillment, Transform Life Path & Relationship
Copyright © 2024 Dr Grace Chen LMFT | All rights reserved.
